Loss

Being happy feels wrong.

And I know it's not true, I know that life has to go on and he wouldn't have wanted it like this. He hated to see me sad. He wouldn't want me hurting -- living every single day in pain because I just miss him so fucking much.

He would've wanted me happy. But how can I be happy when he's gone?

How can I smile and laugh if he's dead? It doesn't feel right, because he should be here with me. He should be the reason for my smiles, or the one making me laugh and he should be laughing and smiling with me.

I'm afraid of that moment -- that moment where being happy will be okay again. It's not wrong, I know that, but I'm afraid of the day it doesn't feel that way.

People keep telling me everything will be okay and that things will get better, as if it's supposed to comfort me... but it doesn't, I want to scream at them when they say that because everything won't be okay, it can never be again and if it is, I don't want it.

I don't want okay and I don't want better and I don't want happy... not without him.

Everything hurts now, life hurts now.