Last GoodbyeLast Goodbye
The silence is awkward. I shift uncomfortably, you mimic my action.
The seconds tick by like minutes, the minutes drag like hours. It never used to be this way.
It's funny how a person you used to be so at ease around, someone you once thought you knew better than you knew yourself, can feel like such a stranger.
You sit by my side, but there's miles between us. This was a mistake.
"So," you say. I wait for more. Part of me desperately wishes that you'll say something to fix this -- to fix us -- while another part is just ready to move on. You don't say anything else.
"Yeah," I whisper, not knowing what else to say, just wanting to throw the ball back into your court. You don't show any signs of having heard.
So this is it. This is what we've become.
We painted a pretty picture. The canvas of our relationship chaotic and beautiful, splatters of memories -- good and bad -- smeared across our years together, the image burned in our memories to the point where w
13 Thoughtsi. That Feeling
You know that feeling, when you're cold, colder than you should beso cold that it feels almost like the coldness is coming from right of the very heart of youand then you wrap up in blankets or arms and you just finally find this warmth but it's more than that, deeper than that. It's a safeness and contentment. And it's like nothing bad can get to you so long as you stay right there wrapped up where you are in that moment. You know that feeling?
I love that. I wish I could bottle that feeling up and keep it with me always.
I like being in those moods where it's just easy to cry and the crying can be triggered by silly things, like movies or something. It's almost better crying for those reasons than for my own you still get the emotional release that crying gives you, that feeling where everything just seems a little bit better once you've cried it out of your system, only you don't have to deal with the realit
LossBeing happy feels wrong.
And I know it's not true, I know that life has to go on and he wouldn't have wanted it like this. He hated to see me sad. He wouldn't want me hurting -- living every single day in pain because I just miss him so fucking much.
He would've wanted me happy. But how can I be happy when he's gone?
How can I smile and laugh if he's dead? It doesn't feel right, because he should be here with me. He should be the reason for my smiles, or the one making me laugh and he should be laughing and smiling with me.
I'm afraid of that moment -- that moment where being happy will be okay again. It's not wrong, I know that, but I'm afraid of the day it doesn't feel that way.
People keep telling me everything will be okay and that things will get better, as if it's supposed to comfort me... but it doesn't, I want to scream at them when they say that because everything won't be okay, it can never be again and if it is, I don't want it.
I don't want okay and I don't want better and
Not TodaySo this is what it feels like when a heart breaks.
I've always feared being hurt, because I didn't think I could survive it.
I didn't want you to be my everything because I didn't want to be left with nothing but the void of you in my life.
I tried not to love you, but it's not a choice. It's not something I could control, just like I can't control this pain and I finally get that now.
I feel both numb and aching and that shouldn't be possible.
Every thought of you is like a fist clutching painfully at my heart and the breath being stolen from my lungs.
I didn't think I could survive, I shouldn't be able to survive this.
How can someone keep living with a broken heart?
How can they find the will to live when even breathing is an agonizing burden?
I didn't think I could...
But I'm still standing.
It hurts, I hurt -- but I'm here and I'm alive, even if I can't find the will to live just yet.
I'll be alright, but not today.
Letter 1Hey Stranger,
I just got the urge to write you to. It was the weirdest thing, I was just looking at the sky and really seeing it, you know? And I just wanted to tell you about it, to talk to you.
Truth is, I haven't thought about you in well, I can't even remember how long.
You mattered to me. I don't know if you knew that and I doubt I ever told you, but you did and you're not a part of my life anymore - but you mattered and because of that, you still matter to me in this weird nostalgic way.
And so I was looking at the sky, looking and really seeing and I wished you were there beside me, watching it with me and I would ask you if you were really seeing too.
The sky is always there, all we have to do is look up. Well, I read this book a while ago -- I wish I could tell you to read it too, I think you'd like it a lot -- and there was this part in it that said, "the sky is everywhere, it begins at your feet." and it's true if you think about it, it is all around us I'
ForgetShe's staring at the sky and the light from the moon is fighting to break through the clouds and she's wishing it would rain. She shivers, the kind of cold that seeps right through to your bones and every breath hurts in the very best way.
He wraps his arms around her waist, resting his head on her shoulder. "Cold?"
"Yes," she smiles. "But it's a good kind of cold, makes me feel alive."
She frowns as the clouds shift to the side and the milky moonlight brightens up the sky. She was rooting for the storm clouds to win that fight, to block out the rest of the universe and shelter her in their little bubble of rain and cold where she doesn't have to look at the reminder of how small and insignificant she is in the grand scheme of things, nothing but a drop in the ocean.
"Do you ever wonder what it would be like to just forget?" she asks, turning in his arms away from the offensive moonlight, looking at him instead. "Just forget everything - your past, all of your memories even who y